JUDGE: I'm sorry but we have no category for this in our statutes.

VOL: Why not? You have categories for homosexuals, lesbians and transgendered types to marry why not people who want to marry themselves!

JUDGE: Sorry, can't do it.

VOL: Again why not? The divorce rate is zero. No equitable division of property needed. I get to keep everything and there are no claims of abuse, adultery or abandonment. I cannot abandon myself? (Though honestly self-abuse might have to be rethought.)

JUDGE: You have a point. But I need to look up the statutes.

VOL: You do that. I predict, your honor that sologamy will be the next big sexual discovery in America and promises to sweep the world as people are too lazy getting off their backsides to get married to someone else because they can have virtual relationships even virtual marriage on twitter, Facebook, and so many more social networks. Marrying oneself is the next logical step. Apart from paying you $50 there is no expensive wedding, no wedding rings to exchange, no expensive honeymoon resort, no caterers or photographers. I can selfie myself and send it to all my friends. I can say yes to my very own ego without fear of contradiction!! Of course my alter ego might have something to say about this but I can silence him.

You cannot dismiss same-self marriage as a passing minority fad, your honor. We have seen women marrying themselves to objects (a rock, a sandwich, a rollercoaster) and animals (a snake, a dolphin) -- that will soon exhaust itself, so you must take me seriously. "You have to understand the serious dilemma facing women, and men, today: the difficulty of finding someone to marry. The difficulty of even understanding what marriage is!"

Marriage rates in Western countries have fallen dramatically over the past 40 years, and especially since the 1980s. Economic changes affecting men's employment, the rise of women's employment, delayed marriage, the decline of religion, the social acceptability of pre-marital sex and cohabitation, ideas about the meaning of "equality" in marriage -- these are just some of the factors in the decline of marriage, say recent reports.

According to a Pew Research Center analysis of Census data, in 2012 one-in-five adults ages 25 and older (about 42 million people) in the US had never been married, compared with only one in ten (9 percent) in 1960. Though they were not "out there" marrying themselves, men were more likely than women to have never been married (23 percent vs 17 percent).

But do these singles even want to be married? In a survey accompanying the Pew analysis, most young adults (67 percent) said society was just as well off if people had priorities other than marriage and children, while among never married adults, one third said they were not sure they would like to get married and another 13 percent said they did not want to marry.
So you see your honor I need to marry myself. I am my own best friend, I can win every argument I ever have with myself and I won't ever beat myself up because it would hurt too much.

I promise to love, honor and obey myself, even cherish myself and I promise to wash my socks once a week so my better self doesn't smell them...and of course till death do me part.

The fact is, your honor, so many young adults are not even sure that they want a spouse and children; the fact that they cannot see marriage as the institution that builds society and brings men and women, on the whole, health, wealth and happiness must be taken into account.

And I can never be accused of narcissism because being married to myself I can never be wrong about who I am. I will never need a therapist again. It is the triumph of the gender revolution.

The whole therapeutic culture has taught us all to love ourselves, of accepting ourselves as we are and wanting what is truly best for ourselves...and I love myself so much I am going to marry myself.

Furthermore judge, I am sending an e-mail to Episcopal Presiding Bishop Michael Curry, that a resolution be placed on the floor of the next General Convention affirming self-marriage, as a logical continuation and extension of same-sex marriage. I will explain the pain I feel, of self-loathing and hate that will eventually spew forth from conservatives when they hear the news. I will need a "safe space" to explain it all and I know he will provide it. The PB will undoubtedly do his best, once he hears the logic of self marriage, to export the idea to Africa. Those fundamentalist African Anglicans definitely need to get a grip on themselves if you know what I mean.

JUDGE: Take this to SCOTUS, I'm sure you'll get a majority of judges to go along with this. Meantime any self-abuse before you are married and you will be fined $200.00.

VOL: Ohmygosh

END