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EPISCOPAL CHURCH SAYS IT IS LOOKNG FOR A PULSE AS IT FACES THE FUTURE

EPISCOPAL CHURCH SAYS IT IS LOOKNG FOR A PULSE AS IT FACES THE FUTURE

A satirical essay

By David W. Virtue, DD
www.virtueonline.org
July 20, 2021

NEWS ITEM: TryTank announces partnership with FaithX to develop Episcopal Pulse: Keeping a finger on the pulse of the Episcopal Church with regular two-minute surveys...

Presiding Bishop Michael Curry said he was becoming concerned that 'beloved community' might not have much of a pulse left. He was seeking new ways to keep the Church alive beyond 2040, when it is expected the pulse will fade away and TEC is declared dead.

"As part of an evolving collaborative partnership between TryTank Experimental Laboratory and The FaithX Project, I am experimenting for an Episcopal Pulse proof-of-concept experiment," he told reporters at the church's headquarters in New York City.

"The purpose of the Episcopal Pulse experiment is to develop an ongoing vehicle to keep a finger on the pulse of the Episcopal Church through regular two-minute surveys of a representative cross-section of the ordained and lay leaders and members at the denominational, diocesan, and congregational level," said a breathless Curry.

"We have a found bullet proof way of keeping our finger on the pulse on the church with a special life support system standing by, just in case the pulse disappears."

Curry said he had had a specially made EMT truck (at a cost of $1.400,000) to carry the Church to New York-Presbyterian Hospital if the pulse suddenly fails.

"God forbid if that should happen, but if the ASA keeps plunging, the only thing propping up the church is the Church Pension Group, and we need more than money to keep the church's pulse going," Curry said.

"Episcopal 21 survey on the future of the Episcopal Church, is doing ground-breaking work on Mapping and Mitigating Systemic Racism with the Episcopal Diocese of Long Island, developing Congregational Vitality Assessment tools in partnership with the Episcopal Church Foundation, working with its affiliate Datastory to develop its MapDash for Faith Communities demographic analytic platform," said Curry. Asked just how many Episcopal racists could be identified on Long Island, Curry said that was up to the bishop to identify and report back.

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