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A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue, DD
March 18, 2020

In a universal press release delivered by the Holy Spirit on the Mount of Olives, God said that He has allowed the Coronavirus as a wakeup call that he hates lukewarm so-called "Christians" and would prefer people to be either hot or cold.

"No, I didn't will it, but I am allowing it, to wake people up that nominalism is the biggest sin in this day and age. If you think generic Mass Eucharists to people who don't really believe in their hearts to what my Son did on the cross, then I am done with them and they can die in their sin."

On hearing the news, Anglican Archbishop Justin Welby cried, and after a brief meltdown, said Britain's homosexual community, especially oppressed Anglican homosexuals and lesbians, should not take God literally. They shouldn't blame themselves for God's wrath and anger against unrepentant sin, he said.

"My sense of God's communication to humanity is that it is designed to show his universal, unlimited, unredacted love for all humanity. We should not read His communique to us as anything more than a gentle wrist slap. I would say carry on and drink more tea; tea is designed to calm troubled nerves at times like these."

American Episcopal Presiding Bishop Michael Curry echoed Welby's words and said that such a God would have to be evil, lacking inclusion and diversity and he doubted the communique really was from God because the Holy Spirit could not speak English based on Jesus' Jewish heritage. Translating Hebrew into English clearly requires much more nuance, he said.

The new Canadian Anglican Archbishop Linda Nichols, said that if Canadians don't come back to church when the virus is over, the ACoC will cease to exist. "We are already under 100,000 ASA. The situation is fragile; it could spell the end for us. Let's hope God was just expressing an opinion of hoped for anticipation. Clearly, we should not be taking the almighty literally," she said.

However, Nigerian Anglican Archbishop Nicholas Okoh said the communique should be taken "desperately seriously" as he has watched his churches being decimated by Boko Haran and Fulani Tribesman, much of it over their anger at western homosexual practices especially by Anglicans which they have equated with Christianity. "This is God's judgement on Western pan Anglican beliefs and behaviors. I call on Church of England leaders, as well as American and Canadian leaders to fully repent of their embrace of sexual sin and return to the glory of holiness and scriptural standards of sexual behavior."

The Archbishop of the Anglican Church in North America said the apostasies and heresies of western Anglicanism especially in the Episcopal Church warranted precisely the communique God issued today. "We look forward to his wrath and judgement on nominalism," said Archbishop Foley Beach.

Western Anglicanism has sown to the wind and is reaping the whirlwind, said evangelical theologian C. FitzSimons Allison, who has watched with dismay the decline of The Episcopal Church over more than half a century.

"Nominalism is the battery acid in the communion cup of his redemptive grace," he said.


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