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Episcopal Presiding Bishop admits COVID-19 could kill off Church

Episcopal Presiding Bishop admits COVID-19 could kill off Church

A satirical essay

By David W. Virtue, DD
May 17, 2020

Episcopal Presiding Bishop Michael Curry admitted today that when TEC reopens later in the year, or whenever, that he might only have half of 500,000 ASA Episcopalians who will still be attending churches. Most will have figured out they don't need the church as they get most of their information now from The New York Times.

"Our Church's much vaunted doctrine of inclusion doesn't seem to be working," he opined from his home in North Carolina. "When New York bishop Andrew Dietsche was called out as a Pharisee for dumping the evangelical ministry, the Samaritan's Purse, out of the cathedral in New York City, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. It won't be COVID -19 that did us in, but that we failed to explain inclusion deeply enough," he told an ENS reporter.

"I think we will hit a new level of inclusion when we kick Albany bishop William Love out of the Church for disobeying Resolution B012. People will finally wake up as to what a grand and glorious church TEC has become. You will feel the love like never before."

Bishop Gene Robinson's consecration will be seen as just the tip of the iceberg for new growth, predicted the love talking Presiding Bishop.

"For the moment we may have to content ourselves with fewer dioceses, less bishops, empty churches, less money flowing in and no next generation millennials coming forward, but we will definitely have more queers in the pulpit and episcopacy. That's a huge cultural win for us. I see a transsexual bishop in our future."

Curry said the closures will result in increased savings, which will be enormous, as a result of less income from the dioceses and churches, with the church's official news service having to close down. We won't have to tell remaining Episcopalians if we still exist anymore, he said.


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