Noting the Pope's condemnation of faceless bureaucrats more concerned with the accumulation of power and never wanting to smile, Mrs. Jefferts Schori said she was sending TEC COO Stacy Sauls to a charm school which will include yoga and facial exercises, then on for a week at a Hindu Ashram for a spiritual tune up, followed by a week with the Dalai Lama who really knows how to smile a lot -- he says for $10,000 he can teach Bishop Sauls to smile as well. She said Archbishop Desmond Tutu was off limits as he is too busy being angry at everybody who doesn't agree with him.

She ripped what she called "existential schizophrenia" in the church saying that people who couldn't make up their minds about sodomy need to get with the program and stop talking about gay marriage and rites for same. "We do need heterosexuals to populate the next generation of Episcopalians," she opined. The world system has still not perfected men having babies, but it should happen after I am gone.

She roasted her top bishops and priests for being "lustful for power, living hypocritical lives and suffering from spiritual Alzheimer's" insisting on endorsing gay men and lesbians for God. "I consulted my own personal spiritual guru St. Aloysius of Oystermouth the Patron Saint of Swishers and she said I was not to take the same message Randolph Hearst told his newspapers when Billy Graham came on the scene insisting they 'puff Graham' and that I should not continue promoting poofters for the time being.

"I know too many bishops in the Episcopal Church who have been going both ways for years. Their refusal to 'come out' is just plain hypocritical. It must stop. I simply won't have it. I won't allow bishops to swing both ways. Gene Robinson was the last one; there won't be any more. I am cleaning house. I simply won't have as a bishop a man who was married to a woman, then divorces her and then marries a man and then divorces him...it is unseemly and makes us look absolute fools...and I don't mean fools for Christ.

"Another sin are the cliques, especially liberal bloggers, that are enslaving our members and becoming a cancer that threatens the harmony of the body. We are killing each other with friendly fire. I propose we forgive Bishop Mark Lawrence for stealing all those churches in South Carolina and open the door to reconciliation. I am asking Bishop William Skilton to be a bridge builder between him and Bishop Charles vonRosenberg.

Jefferts Schori then delivered what she called "The 15 Ailments of 815" but her bishops were clearly not amused, giving her speech muted applause.

After she sat down several bishops were seen to collapse and had to be revived with mouth to mouth resuscitation.

END