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Welcome to the Jesus Movement: Episcopal Church announces 2017-2018 revivals

Welcome to the Jesus Movement: Episcopal Church announces 2017-2018 revivals

A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue, DD
January 2, 2016

NEWS ITEM: The Episcopal Church is working with diocesan teams to organize a series of Episcopal Revivals in 2017 and 2018, six major events that promise to stir and renew hearts for Jesus, to equip Episcopalians as evangelists, and to welcome people who aren't part of a church to join the Jesus Movement.

My dear Wormwood,

Agent Slubgob brought us the news today that this Michael Curry fellow who now leads the Episcopal Church is hellbent on reviving his Church in the vain hope of staving off its inevitable decline.

Words like "evangelism" and "renewing hearts for Him" are not words we like to hear as they signal a possible turnaround in that Church's fortunes. However, we have been informed from other sources that we have nothing to fear, as he links it all to racism and white privilege, which is sweet music to our ears. Anything that keeps people from believing they are universally and by nature sinners and in need of a savior is to be applauded. Off road it to racism and white privilege and the game is lost. Sowing those kinds of seeds keeps them away from the essential and real news of what the Other Side really wants.

We also know that both 20/20 and TREC have failed and now they are trying again to give it the old school try. Lead them along and let them believe that this time it will work. Flattery is the best form of delusion. The whole idea of revival can only come from Him, it cannot be manufactured at a so-called revival meeting.

Now it is important for Episcopalians to keep reaffirming that racism, sexism and homophobia are the real issues and that they need to label orthodox Anglicans who don't share their views as "racists," "sexists," "any-other-ists", "phobes" and haters as the true enemy of the faith. Keep toilets and transgenderism as the major whine of liberals and label those who disagree as sexual Neanderthals.

The constantly mutating laws of political correctness must be maintained at all costs.

Keep Episcopalians believing that Jesus was the closest thing to Hilary Clinton and her losing is a loss to all stripes of progressives, spiritual and political. If only Jesus was a woman, Mary Glasspool would not have had to go through all the agony of being the first lesbian bishop in the Episcopal Church.

Keep up the pipe line frenzy: Wave the flag of self-righteousness in the face of progress for everyone. Make this the new cause celebre for TEC. Let the Church be consumed with climate change, but not the cold climate in their hearts and souls. Keep finding new causes for the bishops to feel (self) righteous about. More causes, more prevarication, more delay, more sexualities to affirm and their souls are ours.

The most important thing this Curry fellow can do is to follow up on his promise in Canterbury to push his Church's progressive sexual agenda onto the Africans. This is sweet music to our ears. Make sure the money spigots are open to this invasion of sexual promiscuities in the name of "justice" and "inclusion". Never let it be said that their God is one of wrath and judgement, only that He is nice and inclusive of all.

Sear their consciences, dull their minds, but under no circumstances are they to believe that there are any consequences for their behavior.

And remember that our father's definition of a Happy New Year is more of the same, and remember Hell is full of people who not only wanted life on their own terms; in the end got it.


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