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Welby Agrees to Stop Apologizing when Hell Freezes Over

Welby Agrees to Stop Apologizing when Hell Freezes Over

A satirical essay

By David W. Virtue, DD
July 13, 2021

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, apologized for the ninth time this week when he offered apologies for the expulsion of Jews in the 13th Century. Even those the Jews were not expelled until hundreds of years later. This is a symbolic gesture amid rising anti-Semitism.

"I may have to apologize to just about everybody the Church has offended over hundreds of years. I have church archivists working on it as we speak. It could consume the rest of my stay in Lambeth Palace," said Welby, as he donned sackcloth and ashes before heading to the Thames River for a ceremonial cleansing.

"I'm not sure we will ever get over our need to apologize to homosexuals for our being homophobic, even when they start indoctrinating our children with their beliefs and our children contract AIDS and die. It's the least we can do to avoid further offense. Sacrificing a few children might be necessary," he said.

Welby said he got the idea of apologizing from Balaam's ass, but he couldn't remember why exactly. The seer was riding on his she-ass to deliver a paid-for-in-advance imprecation of the Jews. "There's a parable here, I'm sure," said Welby, as he emerged from the Thames.

A noted theologian who knows Welby well, says it is only a matter of time that he will apologize for all those lost in the Flood; it was clearly the act of a capricious God, he will conclude.


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