jQuery Slider

You are here

Transsexual Episcopal Priest Nominated to be the next Bishop of Vermont

Transsexual Episcopal Priest Nominated to be the next Bishop of Vermont

A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue, DD
March 31, 2019

NEWS ALERT: The Rev. Winslow Slidebottom of the Diocese of Massachusetts, the Episcopal Church's first transgender priest, said he is tossing his studded collar in the ring as part of a slate of candidates to be the next bishop of Vermont. Other candidates include a black lesbian priest from the Diocese of New York, a white divorced priest from the Diocese of Central Florida and a homosexual priest from the Diocese of Dallas.

It was an act of total inclusion, Slidebottom told VOL in an exclusive interview. "I knew that this was my transgender moment."

"I was listening to one of the presiding bishop's sermons on love, and I got caught up into the third heaven like St. Paul. Actually, I think I made the second, the ecstasy was so upon me.

"Bishop Curry was talking about loving absolutely everybody, and God only knows how much of that I've done over the years going both ways. But then he kept saying those two words "absolutely everybody," words made famous by that dear, dear, man Louie Crew. I knew he was talking to me. I fell to my knees crying and then rose up so shaken up with the ecstasy that both my fake eyebrows fell on the floor and my mascara was running down my face in blood-like rivulets. I think I knew just how Jesus felt.

"I immediately submitted my resume and prayed to my higher power for wisdom.

"A week later I got a note from the nominating committee saying they opened my letter with great reverence, fell to their knees and began worshiping the envelope. Someone had a couple of bottles of champagne and nobody remembers much of what happened after that, except some of the members had difficulty later finding their trousers and skirts.

Can you tell us your story Fr. Slidebottom?

"Delighted too. My journey to transgenderism began when my mother said she wanted a boy baby and not a girl baby and got madder and madder every time she changed my diapers. She died of HIV/AIDS the poor woman, but she left an indelible imprint on my genitalia that convinced me that God had a special plan for my life which was confirmed by an Episcopal priest, The Rev Wee Wee Willy, who said that the Church had just discovered a papyrus on inclusion from the early Desert Father, Simon of Stilettos. This spoke right to me.

"Well, I had a sex change operation and transitioned to being a man from being a woman and began my new life. I was a real party boy and for years I took drugs and banged around a lot till I found myself in prison charged with sexually abusing minors. It was here that I first heard Bishop Curry's sermons on love and I knew that I could be whatever I wanted to be and God loved me anyway. I cried for a week and then they released me because my lawyer said the courts weren't sure if I was a he or a she at the time of the abuse, which raised the issue of reasonable doubt.

"As fate would have it, I bumped into Bishop Michael at a revival rally in Orlando. He looked me straight in the eye and said I was chosen for such a time as this. My knees shook and I stooped and kissed his ring.

"History proved him right. I studied at General Theological Seminary in Massachusetts before it went out of business, graduated, became the church's first transgender deacon and then priest at Holy Comforter. The rest as they say is history."

What skills do you think you bring to the diocese should you be elected?

"Good question. I will probably open several centers in the poorer areas of Burlington to explore make up possibilities. L'Oreal has said they will donate all the products we need as I knew one of the managers in my former life, if you know what I mean."

Do you have a partner at present?

"Not at the moment. I am going through a period of enforced celibacy and I gotta tell you it is hell. The PB did say a committed relationship was necessary if I was going to run for bishop. I do have as my model Bishop Gene Robinson, a truly godly man who swung both ways for years in committed relationships."

Thank you, Rev. Slidebottom.

Get a bi-weekly summary of Anglican news from around the world.
comments powered by Disqus
Trinity School for Ministry
Go To Top