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PROFILING! A Satirical Essay

PROFILING!

A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue

The following events are cuts from contemporary ecclesiastical history. They actually happened. The following is a multiple choice test which you can take. There is only one right answer.

  1. Who was failed by his examining chaplains for postulancy to the priesthood, but whose mother got him into seminary anyway?
  1. St. Augustine
  2. Athanasius
  3. Calvin
  4. Luther
  5. Cranmer
  6. Hooker
  7. Charles E. Bennison
  • Who believes the church wrote the bible and can therefore rewrite it?
    1. St. Paul
    2. Augustine
    3. Luther
    4. Karl Barth
    5. Thomas Jefferson
    6. Charles E. Bennison
  • Who believes that Jesus is "a Christ" but not the Christ?
    1. Gregory of Nyssa
    2. Arius (close but no cigar)
    3. Sun Myung Moon
    4. Shirley Maclaine
    5. Madonna/Esther
    6. Charles E. Bennison
  • Who believes that Jesus is a forgiven sinner and not sinless?
    1. St. Paul
    2. Augustine
    3. Wesley
    4. Ted Kennedy
    5. Jesse Jackson
    6. Bill Clinton
    7. Charles E. Bennison
  • Who believes that the new ECUSA religion IS clearly superior to the 'faith once delivered' to the saints?
    1. Mary Baker Eddy
    2. Joseph Smith
    3. Jimmy Swaggart
    4. Charles E. Bennison
  • Who believes that when Jesus said "who do men say that I am" that he was searching for his own personal identity?
    1. Robin Williams
    2. Jonathan Winters
    3. Bob Newhart
    4. Sigmund Freud
    5. Mel Brooks
    6. Charles E. Bennison
  • Who believes that the growth of the Church in Africa can be equated to the growth of the Nazi Party?
    1. Adolph Hitler
    2. Adolph Eichmann
    3. Joseph Goebbels
    4. Charles de Gaulle
    5. Winston Churchill
    6. Saddam Hussein
    7. Osama Bin Laden
    8. Charles E. Bennison
  • Who thinks you can write a Visigoth Rite for marriages that replaces the ancient liturgies of the church and what the Bible declares about marriage between a man and a woman?
    1. St. Paul
    2. Origen
    3. Athanasius
    4. Garrison Keiller
    5. A Norwegian from Minnesota
    6. A Viking
    7. Charles E. Bennison
  • Who out of personal frustration with an orthodox rector misuses the canons of the church in an attempt to strong arm that rector out of the church?
    1. St. Paul
    2. St. Augustine
    3. Pope Leo X
    4. Ethelbert the Ignorant
    5. Henry VIII
    6. Charles E. Bennison
  • Who would declare that the ministries of a properly ordained Anglo-Catholic priest could be invalidated by not adhering to a revisionist bishop on matters of faith and order?
    1. St Peter
    2. Athanasius
    3. Pope John Paul II
    4. Puff Daddy
    5. Charles E. Bennison
  • Who believes that a revisionist bishop who doesn't believe in the Deity of Christ can tell an orthodox priest that he is administering the sacraments invalidly?
    1. Pope John Paul II
    2. Bishop Keith Ackerman
    3. The Russian Patriarch
    4. The Coptic Patriarch
    5. Charles E. Bennison
  • Who believes that sodomy is good and right in the eyes of God, and will happily marry most sexual arrangements in his cathedral?
    1. Richard Simmons
    2. Sitting Bull
    3. The Supreme Court of Massachusetts
    4. Butch Cassidy
    5. The Lutheran Church Missouri Synod
    6. The Roman Catholic Church
    7. Charles E. Bennison
  • Who believes that sodomy is an acceptable sexual behavior?
    1. The World Wrestling Federation
    2. Elmer Fudd
    3. George W. Bush
    4. Bonnie and Clyde
    5. NASCAR Drivers
    6. Captain Kangaroo
    7. Billy Graham
    8. Charles E. Bennison
  • Which revisionist bishop told an orthodox priest that you are:
    1. Consecrating bread and wine and it is not the body and blood of Jesus
    2. You are baptizing children and they are not regenerate
    3. You are marrying people and they are not married
    4. You are burying people and they are not dead!!!

    Scratch D.

    Guess?

    Nope, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? So, to ensure that Episcopalians never offend anyone, particularly pansexualists, lesbitransgay participants, gays in long term committed relationships for six months or longer, the Episcopal Church will conduct random searches for unbaptized souls and those who have not taken anti-racism training courses. In the event that they are found they will be turned over to the Presiding Bishop for punishment and charges will be brought against them by the Title IV Review Committee.

    THE END

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