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Presiding Bishop Bewails Empty Pews when Episcopal Church Embraces What the World Believes

Presiding Bishop Bewails Empty Pews when Episcopal Church Embraces What the World Believes

A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue, DD
November 13, 2019

NEW YORK, NY--At a hastily called press conference, the Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church Michael Curry, publicly bewailed Americans for not joining his Church when it believes exactly what the surrounding culture believes.

"We have fully embraced the LGBTQII2 community, abortion rights for women, anti-racism training, identity politics, the Jesus Movement and challenged the very definition of sin. We have made every effort to match all of our core doctrines to that of secular American society."

"We have even embraced those who want to have sex change operations and flip from him to her and vice versa. What more could people ask for, for Christ's sake! And I mean that literally," though he admitted under questioning that the Episcopal Church did not take the Bible literally on most things, including the bodily resurrection of Jesus from the dead.

"We leave that up to individual consciences," said the Presiding Bishop, "because we realize that it could be taken spiritually or metaphorically or springtime in the Rockies."

One member of the Executive Council suggested Episcopal bishops tell their priests to start teaching the Bible to distinguish their church from the surrounding culture and offer something the world cannot offer. That Council member was called a bigot and forced to resign.

Curry said he was baffled by the Church's continued decline in average Sunday attendance. "I can't imagine what is holding people back and why no one bothers to come to our Episcopal churches which are welcoming to all, no exceptions."

"I just don't get it," said the Presiding Bishop. "I preached up a love sermon storm at a Royal wedding and I became an instant celebrity. More than a billion people have seen it. So, I can't figure out why, with my international acclaim, people aren't crowding into Episcopal churches. It makes no sense. I ask you, is an NFL game more important that hearing a sermon on diversity and inclusion!"


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