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Giving Birth as an Episcopalian is "the worst thing you can do", says Presiding Bishop

Giving Birth as an Episcopalian is "the worst thing you can do", says Presiding Bishop

A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue, DD
February 21, 2020

NEWS BREAK: Giving birth to a child is "the worst thing you can do" to the climate, says philosophy professor Patricia MacCormack of Anglia Ruskin University. The professor, author of The Ahuman Manifesto: Activism for the End of the Anthropocene, who describes herself as an "old school goth," says that the only way to save the planet is to stop having children and allow humans to become extinct.

VOL journeyed to New York City to speak with Presiding Bishop Michael Curry to get his perspective on this, as he is an ardent supporter of climate change and he is watching as the Episcopal Church slowly withers and dies.

VOL: Would you agree with professor MacCormack, Bishop Curry?

CURRY: I agree with MacCormack that we must actively embrace issues like human extinction, vegan abolition, atheist occultism, death studies, a refusal of identity politics, deep ecology, and the apocalypse as an optimistic beginning. As you know, we in TEC embrace sodomy and homosexual marriage where the chances of you getting pregnant is probably one in a trillion, but you never know of course. But I think we are licking the population boom problem advocating lots of boink boink, but with nothing to show for it. It is definitely a step in the right direction.

As you know we have led the way among mainline denominations with a zero-population growth policy; no conversions, no future generations, just lots of talk about climate change and how the remaining 500,000 practicing Episcopalians can affect the planet. We are also pouring millions of dollars into Africa to help those heterosexually active African Anglicans with large families develop more holistically by embracing homosexuality as a viable alternative.

VOL: Is that working?

CURRY: Not yet, but we have applications out for a newly formed Africa Partnership Officer who has been instructed to send millions of condoms to such countries as Rwanda, Kenya, Uganda, Tanzania and Nigeria to cut the birthrate at the same time encourage more queers to come out of the closet and declare their preference for people of the same sex. We think there are millions just waiting to be freed up from the shackles of heterosexuality. We are even preparing a liturgy to send to them when they do. It will be a Kairos moment for African Anglicanism!

I believe that because of global overpopulation, giving birth is the worst thing you can do to the planet, but I want to make it clear that I am not advocating wiping out the existing population but rather letting it die off. I still expect to have grandchildren of my own.

I am proposing a manifesto at the next Executive Council to take to the next General Convention putting a ban on all sex where procreation is a possibility.

The manifesto simply asks that Episcopalians no longer reproduce -- no life is lost, no one is mourned. If we no longer reproduce, we can care for Episcopalians already here heading to nursing homes, build columbarium's as well as care for the Earth itself by mitigating the damage already caused. It's an activism of care.

As you know, we have been in the vanguard of most denominations by electing homosexuals and lesbians to the priesthood and episcopacy and they are setting an example to all Episcopalians -- "keep it in your pants, Fredo" (psst... we are especially concerned about our Hispanic friends who breed like rabbits and pigeons). It will also be another way to eliminate white privilege.

Of course, I am not advocating mass death, genocide or eugenics. My manifesto is simply a wake-up call to Episcopalians and Anglicans everywhere to keep their zippers and pantyhose up and not let their pants and cassocks down.

I am also instructing Sewanee, the University of the South and all our Episcopal seminaries, to enact my views on climate change as well as extreme feminism, virtue signaling, queer theory, posthuman ethics, animal studies and horror films.

I also talked briefly with Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, today and he said he looked forward to reading and accepting my manifesto. We feel sure he will present it to the next CofE synod and raise it at the next Lambeth Conference in order to get the bishops' minds off that dreadful Resolution 1:10.


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