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Episcopal Presiding Bishop Rides the Whale of Celebrity Success

Episcopal Presiding Bishop Rides the Whale of Celebrity Success

A "fake news" interview with Episcopal Presiding Bishop Michael Curry

By David W. Virtue, DD
June 7, 2018

VOL: How does it make you feel that you have now become an international celebrity overnight, first with the Harry/Meghan wedding and then blessing the Britain's Got Talent show?

CURRY: I gotta tell ya, I'm rockin'. I never thought a black dude like me would get to become such a celebrity. I am thinking of changing my views on racism now that I am such a famous person! People just adore me. I am told that at the next General Convention they are going to carry me around on a throne in the Austin Convention Center, then make a bronze statue of me for future generations to worship when I am gone. I may even win over those few festering conservatives who still remain in The Episcopal Church.

VOL: Do you think this will turn the fortunes of TEC around?

CURRY: If it doesn't...not to worry, I am getting lots of adoration now. I'm thinking book and movie rights, and there is always the big fat pension to look forward to!

VOL: Can you tell us why your press officer, Neva Rae Fox, was fired, or let go right after your royal wedding appearance and just before General Convention?

CURRY: Sorry, that's confidential and our lawyers won't let me say a word.

VOL: Can you tell us what the skinny is in the Diocese of Virginia where they seem to be embroiled over undefined matters and Bishop Shannon Johnston is thinking of quitting early.

CURRY: Sorry, can't talk about that either.

VOL: Can you tell us why your CEO, Bishop Stacy Sauls (who is suing you and the Church), was let go when he was not found guilty of anything! He says his life has been ruined and he can't even find a small parish who will hire him now.

CURRY: Sorry, can't talk about that either.

VOL: Two dioceses, (Western New York and Northwestern Pennsylvania) are talking collaboration, a euphemism for future juncture. Is this a portent of things to come?

CURRY: God is clearly doing a new thing. We haven't figured it out exactly what it is, but if President Trump is impeached, I will see it as a sign from God that things are turning around for liberals and progressives of all stripes around the country and for the Church. Praise Jesus.

VOL: You talked a lot about love in your sermon to the royal couple, so how much love do you think the Church needs to settle these long-protracted lawsuits in Ft. Worth and South Carolina, that have gone for over a decade and have cost both sides millions of dollars in legal fees?

CURRY: We should not confuse "the power of love" with property ownership or money. Dammit, we own the properties and we ain't letting them go to fellow "beloved community" Anglicans. We need those properties for future generations of Episcopalians.

VOL: But figures show there might not be any future generations. Millennials, along with Generations X, Y and Z are not darkening the red doors of TEC parishes and gays are too small a group to effect change. Don't you think it would be in yours and everybody's best interests to settle this embarrassing situation before a watching world that is crying out for love in action?

CURRY: Everybody is welcome in TEC, except racists, homophobes, Islamophobes, Transphobes and white privilege folk. If the few conservatives want to stay sooner or later they will have to come to terms with our progressive views on sexuality or leave. If they leave they can't take their properties, the courts are seeing it our way and, as my predecessor Jefferts Schori once said, we would sooner sell empty parishes for saloons than to fellow Anglicans. You need more than love to fix this problem.

VOL: Doesn't that lack your notions of diversity and full inclusion?

CURRY: Hell no, this is about money...who has it, how to use it to manipulate African Anglican provinces into accepting sodomy and how to keep the Anglican Communion Office in London and the Archbishop of Canterbury afloat, so we can push our progressive agenda together.

VOL: What if railing about racism and white privilege doesn't fill churches and the power of your personality turns out to be a seven-day wonder, what's next?

CURRY: I believe God is doing a new thing, but what that looks like we can't be sure. We may be OOB in 12 to 15 years, but the hope is that, by then, God will have us aligned with the stars and with all the great religions of the world and we can all joyously march into heaven where nobody cares about properties any more.

VOL: Thank you, Presiding Bishop.

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