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Episcopal Presiding Bishop decides to close churches permanently

Episcopal Presiding Bishop decides to close churches permanently
Coronavirus tipped Episcopal Church over the edge, said Michael Curry

A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue, DD
March 14, 2020

Episcopal Presiding Bishop Michael Curry announced today that closing churches because of the Coronavirus would be made permanent, owing to the growing lack of interest in the Episcopal Church.

"As you know we will be out of business by 2030 recent statistics show, the last generation of Episcopalians has already been born. I thought it would be best practices to put the Church out of its misery now, rather than wait around another ten years before we are on life support."

We have sodomized ourselves into oblivion and it seems appropriate that we become a virtual church, where people can have their morning coffee whilst going through the motions of worship and nod off at the sermon without anybody seeing, he said.

I had a video round table conference call with the Executive Council. They felt this was a bold inclusive move, as most of them were so bored by what the Church was doing or failing to do and because the pension scheme was so good, that we should get out now, take the money and run.

Bishop Marianne Budde of Washington said her parishes were worth a fortune, placed as they are in the nation's capital and could be sold for mucho dollars to Muslims, independent evangelical churches and cots for those afflicted with the Coronavirus.

My hope to make climate change the cornerstone of my new evangelism will have to be taken up by others more competent than our bishops who have a hard enough time trying to figure out what the Bible says about sex, said the defeated presiding bishop.


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