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A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue, DD
August 28, 2020

NEWS ITEM: Toronto Bishop Jenny Andison, a self-declared a white woman of privilege, who says the sin of racism has infected her own heart, has ordered all her clergy and leaders of diocesan committees to attend mandatory training to root out racism. She has demanded that they read The Cross and the Lynching Tree by the late James H. Cone. She also acknowledged that she cannot fully understand the impact and effects of racism on her racialized brothers and sisters.

Come to attention please. That includes you, Fr. Henrietta. I know you switched genders last week, but there is no need to flaunt it.

My name is Bishop Jenny Addelbrain of the Diocese of Toronto and you are here at my command to undergo anti-racism training this week.

Yes, Fr Shmook, I see your hand. Madam bishop, I am not a racist, I have never been a racist and I pray God I never will be a racist.

Bishop interrupting...if you are white you, you are by definition racist, it is as simple as that. Get over yourself.

Yes, Fr Wilson. Madam bishop, we have no blacks or people of color in my congregation, and to my knowledge there have never been people of color in our church in 200 years. Our neighborhood is totally white.

Bishop: The very fact you don't have blacks in your congregation makes you a racist. You definitely need this training.

Yes, Fr. John. Madam bishop, I am now the Rev Adeline as I had a reverse thruster sex change operation recently and I am alarmed that this conference focuses on race and not on the abhorrent practice of reparative therapy and the joys of gender re-assignment surgery. Now when I walk down the street men gawk at my breasts, which I think is a vile sexist practice. I demand that we talk about that.

Thank you, Rev. Adeline, I'll take that under advisement.

Yes, Fr. Martin. I think this conference is way off base. Homophobia is far worse than race, unless you are a gay black man in a white heterosexual bar, sipping a pink cosmopolitan, eyeing George at the end of the bar in tight jeans. I'm gay and you have no idea the suffering I've been through being a gay man In the Arctic Circle. For heaven's sake, how much worse can that be?

I feel your pain, Fr. Martin, but we are here to discuss race.

Now anybody, when was the last time you experienced a woke moment about race?

(Exasperated).... yes, Fr Schmelling, what is it?

Madam bishop, there's a big black dude standing outside who says he's the groundskeeper. He is carrying an AK 47 and he says if he listens to one more conference talk about race, he is going to come in here and blow all our brains out. He says he's never experienced racism in bucolic Canada and you are just creating a problem talking about it.

Bishop: Conference cancelled.

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