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Church of Wales is Dying: Calling on Jesus for help rejected by governing body

Church of Wales is Dying: Calling on Jesus for help rejected by governing body

Archbishop Barry Morgan Photo

A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue
www.virtueonline.org
Sept. 27, 2016

NEWS ITEM: AVERAGE Sunday attendance in the Church in Wales has fallen to below one per cent of the population, the Membership and Finance Report said. And the Governing Body was in no mood simply to "receive" the report, as the motion on the order paper asked it to do.

"The membership figures in last year's report had suggested that the trend of decline had slowed or been reversed in a number of key areas," the report said. "However, all measures of attendance demonstrate substantial decline between 2014 and 2015, with average adult Sunday attendance and average attendance of under-18s falling at a rate above the longer-term trend."

CHAIRMAN: Come to order please. Our main business today is to reflect on the fact that we are, as a church, dying and I need some suggestions as to why and how we can jump start the Church of Wales, which has a long and noble history in this corner of the Anglican Communion. We are down to one percent of the population.

Rev. Snodgrass: I propose we fling wide the doors and allow absolutely everybody in regardless of gender preference, or whether or not they have been baptized. The Church should be open to all.

Rev. Toothless: Hear, hear.

Rev. Halfbrain: We tried that, but nobody came; they were out buying coffee at Starbucks and reading the Times.

Snodgrass: I think we should allow not just homosexuals and lesbians to marry, but bisexuals and trannies to marry as well. My nephew, James Fortiscue, says he woke up recently and thought he had the gift of going both ways, so I told him that the church had caught up on sex and was definitely for him. He might consider coming back, but he said his experience as a youth being buggered by a priest didn't help.

Rev Halfbrain: I propose we talk more about climate change. Have you seen how much seaweed is floating up on the beaches of Wales these days? It's a crying shame. I am planning four sermons on the topic.

Rev. Snodgrass: I think Brexit is a must play for today's sermons. The nation is so divided, we have to take sides, but I can't quite get a grip as to whose side God is on. I could argue the case for both sides in the pulpit and leave people to make up their own mind, of course. I think the decision to leave was a Calvary moment for the church but we didn't play it up enough!

Rev. Jane Pinknose: We definitely need more women in the pulpit and a female bishop or two wouldn't hurt.

Rev Halfbrain: The CofE is trying that but their numbers don't seem to be picking up. In a survey, people said they didn't want some lesbian didler telling them what to do. One of my parishioners said she had an aunt who was queer and was bloody awful at mealtimes, making rude noises about straight women while she was sucking noodles through her missing teeth.

Chairman: Of course, we could begin talking about Him.

Snodgrass: You mean Tony Blair?

Chairman: No HIM.

Snodgrass: Oh HIM. You mean Jesus!

Chairman: Yes, that fellow. Jolly good chap. He was popular for a while in the Church, but I think most of the clergy lost sight of him.

Snodgrass: Thank God for that. He was making far too many demands on people and they were getting quite annoyed. When I swerved towards The Kardashians, Clinton and Beyonce in my sermons, attendance picked up.

Chairman: Well, that settles it.

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