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Canadian Anglican Archbishop Threatens to try Christianity to Keep Church Afloat

Canadian Anglican Archbishop Threatens to try Christianity to Keep Church Afloat

A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue, DD
March 10, 2023

Recognizing that her church is rapidly dying, the primate of the Anglican Church of Canada the Most Rev. and Exalted Linda Carol Nicholls has threatened to try Christianity to keep her dying institution afloat.

"For too long now we have embraced woke issues of justice and sodomy, but it doesn't seem to be working; we are running out of money and we need "radical solutions" to fix the problem, she told the church. See here: https://anglicanjournal.com/primate-proposes-new-commission-to-look-for-creative-lifegiving-solutions-for-church/

Columbaria are filling up daily, and some priests are so desperate for money they are pocketing the proceeds from funerals instead of reporting them. One or two have been taking to gin after the internment because they can't find new bums on pews, she said.

"It's demoralizing looking out from the pulpit and seeing 20 Anglicans in their 70s nodding off when you have a stem winder of a sermon on the joys of gay sex and the need for full transgender inclusion. Some of the parishioners have been seen to miss the passing of the peace and plate they are so sound asleep."

"I am setting up a new commission to look into the situation," said the frustrated primate.

Asked about the potential for a split in the Anglican communion over the Mother Church's approval of same sex blessings, Nicholls said we can live together with difference even if the global south bishops see us disappearing down a rabbit hole.

When VOL asked if bringing in a few African Anglican priests who have a clear fix on the gospel might turn things around, Nicholls was apoplectic, "Good God no, that would be taking inclusion and diversity too far and cause terrible disruption to our new understandings on human sexuality. Some priests and bishops might commit suicide when they are told that their behavior will keep them out of the kingdom of God. Can't go there."

The Rt. Rev. Winslow Bottomsworth III, whose Canadian diocese stretches several thousand miles in all directions, echoed Nicholls concerns, and sniffed that the church will never give ground on hard won issues that allow drag queens in churches to enlighten children on sexual diversity. "Can you imagine the pain of little Johnny discovering his love for pigtails, dresses and makeup; the Nigerians would never understand."

Nicholls admitted that churches were closing all across the country, but said she saw a silver lining; "Hundreds of churches will be turned into low-cost housing for the poor, which we think this is what Jesus wanted in the first place. For the life of me I don't know why I didn't figure this out years ago."


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