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Albany Bishop touches Hem of Curry's Cassock and is Healed of his Homophobia

Albany Bishop touches Hem of Curry's Cassock and is Healed of his Homophobia

A Satirical Essay

By David W. Virtue, DD
October 9, 2020

Indicted Albany Bishop William Love, today announced that he had been healed of his homophobia after touching the hem of Presiding Bishop Michael Curry's cassock.

"I had been praying to God about how I could heal the rift in the church caused by my failure to see the enlightened General Convention Resolution B012 and all the happiness it had brought so many people," he told VOL in a memo.

"Out of the cloud of unknowing hanging over Schenectady, I heard a voice say, 'this is my beloved presiding bishop, hear ye him. He hath brought much love, joy and unity to the Anglican Communion following the enlightened royal wedding 'love' sermon and his understanding of 'beloved community.' Touch his hem and thou shalt be healed.'"

"Immediately I woke from my midday doze at my unenlightened Spiritual Life Center, took the next flight to North Carolina and there I knelt, confessed my sin and touched the hem of his cassock. In an instant, I was healed of my homophobia."

"I rose up feeling the weight of years of homophobia fall from my shoulders. I knew it was a kairos moment. I wanted to tell the world that Curry saves, that the almighty had spoken. I immediately sent off an apology to Rhode Island Bishop Nicholas Knisely, apologizing for the hell I must have put him and the hearing panel through trying to determine my guilt. Three months of agonizing and painstaking reflection makes the Jews' and Romans' decision to kill Jesus in less than a day, pale by comparison. I wept."

On hearing the news, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, phoned ACNA Archbishop Foley Beach saying that he forgave him for being such a disturbing influence and dick for trying to divide the communion over homosexuality, especially as COVID was decimating his churches and he might not have much left after the virus had simmered down.

"I told him that the only way he could return to my good graces was to pay reparations of $10 million to the coffers of the Church of England because we are running out money."

On hearing the news, Archbishop Beach was heard to counter the offer with an unreportable bleep and hung up the phone.


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