Episcopal Church Elects Normal Bishop
A satirical essay
By David W. Virtue, DD
April 7, 2017
History was made this week when an openly normal man was elected Bishop of Newark, NJ.
“I’m stunned,” said Presiding Bishop Michael Curry. “This man represents everything the Church no longer stands for and has publicly rejected. He is white, male, heterosexual. He has a wife and two kids and says he actually believes in Jesus as Lord and Savior, has read and believes the formularies, believes scripture is authoritative and final as the church’s primary source of truth.
“What is stunning is that he got through the ecclesiastical net, especially as we now have a committee set up to pre-vet all potential bishops, and someone like this is clearly unacceptable, so I need to know how he got through the net. I am horrified.”
“Such people should not get anywhere near a see these days. After all, this is the diocese of former bishop, John Shelby Spong, a world class theologian, whose 12 Theses are now the hallmark doctrines of TEC. I just added the Jesus Movement to goose it up a bit.”
What we are looking for is someone who is black, bisexual or transgendered, a he/she with whatever sexual organs they claim to have, someone who was trained at Episcopal Divinity School where the Bible is opened and read only during coffee breaks, said a dejected Curry.
“We want a bishop who will focus on climate change, pansexuality and the occasional paranormal sightings just in case there is something supernatural out there that we haven’t spotted.”
Remember, this IS the Episcopal Church, the Church of what’s happenin’ now, not what happened yesterday.
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